Here are HDs top tips for having a fantastic weekend without breaking the bank.
- Re create the experience of a day trip by putting your family in the car and staying on the driveway for four hours. You'll get all the fun of being crammed in a small metal box whilst stuck in traffic but without the expense of petrol. Also, instead of paying £15 for a cappuccino at a motorway services, you can just pop into your own kitchen.
- Give your kids the fun of a farm park by standing in a field. Farm parks are great fun, but expensive. Also, as it's a bank holiday weekend, they will be full of people who wear tracksuits but clearly haven't visited a gym. Find a field of cows or sheep near your house and stand in it with your children. They will get all the fun of seeing domestic cattle close up but without the ludicrous entry fee. Also, when the farmer spots you, having to run away will add an extra bit of enjoyment to the day - and it's great exercise.
- Take turns standing in the shower fully clothed. This will give the experience of the inevitable bank holiday downpour but without having to go anywhere.
- Find a Wetherspoons with a beer garden and play equipment. There is nothing better than getting steadily plastered whilst watching your children enjoy a slightly dangerous climbing frame. Also the beer and food is so cheap that it's more financially viable to spend the weekend there than to shop at Aldi. Not only that, the opening hours guarantee you can be fully occupied from 8am till midnight. There are some additional benefits. As we know, young children talk utter shite. This can be quite incomprehensible for a reasonably intelligent adult. If you position your family next to the inevitable table full of alcoholics who have been drinking Strongbow since breakfast, your kids will always have someone on the same level as them to chat to.
- Visit your parents. Grandparents enjoy spending time with your kids because they don't have to live with them. Pop in for a coffee and then ask them if they'll keep an eye on the kids for ten minutes. Disappear for the day.
- Re create a local church fate or family fun day in your own garden by charging your children to play on their own trampoline and only giving them 2 minutes at a time. Go the extra mile by setting up some tables and covering them with shit from your garage.
- Funfairs are a great option on a bank holiday weekend but they are ludicrously expensive. Give your children the experience for free by asking a man who lives in a caravan to stand next to them while they throw stones at next door's hanging baskets.
- The beach provides fantastic fun for kids and adults alike. However they can be extremely crowded on Bank holidays. Get the beach experience at home by pouring a little bit of sand into everything you own.
- Small children can't remember what happened ten minutes ago. This allows you to create fantastic bank holiday memories for free. Photoshop pictures of them in front of places of local interest such as Warwick Castle, McDonalds or the Taj Mahal. Show them the pictures every hour or so and talk about what a wonderful time you all had.
- Going abroad is an incredible treat but obviously costs a fortune. Give your family the feeling of this wonderful experience by visiting your local airport and reading a book for 8 hours while your children wreak havoc.