Friday, 20 September 2013

HDs guide to getting 'kid fit'

I've always been fairly fit. I wouldn't say very fit but certainly above above average. As a child I played a lot of sport. As an adult I have boxed, run marathons and trained with weights. I've even dabbled in a bit of yoga which has made me incredibly bendy.

Next week I turn 41. Still a young age in the grand old scheme of things. However I have started to notice a few subtle changes in my body as a result.

  1. I cannot even look at a chip without gaining a stone
  2. I am exhausted, constantly
  3. I find it impossible to run ten miles after consuming 2 bottles of Chateux Thames Embankment
  4. I now have to buy clothes in shops that can cater for a 68 extra fat crossed with a 12 dwarf
Many parents experience exactly the same thing. We all do as we get older. Add any number of crazy kids into the mix, plus lack of sleep, stressful jobs, money worries and a sex life that a monk would ridicule and you have a guaranteed recipe for an ever expanding muffin top.

Here at HD we are at the forefront of up to date advice to parents. Diet and fitness is no exception. The latest craze in the get fit quick market is to mimic the activity of toddlers and small children in an effort to lose weight and develop your fitness. This doesn't mean wearing a large nappy to work or attempting to breast feed 40 years too late, however tempting. 

The premise is simple. We are unfit and fat. Kids are fit and skinny. Therefore copy kids and get fit. Simples!! There are all manner of web sites, classes and fitness gurus providing advice on how to crawl around the house or incorporate games into your fitness routine to make it fun. Here at HD we can go one better, with our official guide to making kid fitness work for you.
  • What ever film or program you are watching, re-enact it. Don't just watch Gladiator. Pick up a toy sword and repeatedly hit your partner with it while pretending to ride a chariot. Alternatively, watch Kung Foo Panda and spend the day kicking lumps out of the patio doors.
  • Run everywhere. Don't use open spaces though. You must confine your running to anywhere inappropriate. Libraries, hospitals, funeral parlours and Tescos are good options.
  • Continuously throw things into next doors garden. 100s of calories can be burned just retrieving items from your neighbours.
  • Spread every item you own on the floor of the house. This takes an incredible amount of energy plus works the full range of muscle groups. In addition, as the parent, you'll have to pick it all up and tidy it away which doubles the benefits.
  • Have a fight. If you are having an argument in work repeatedly punch and kick your colleague. If possible create the argument over something extremely little and unimportant. I recommend something like, get off my chair!!! That's my chair!!! Muuuuuuum!!! Dave from accounts is sitting on my chair!!!!
  • Stuff your face with sweets just before bed time. This will give you an incredible energy boost. You can then persuade a friend or neighbour to try to force you into a pair of pyjamas while you swing from the light fittings.
  • Practice the rigid toddler pose. A strong core will help improve your fitness no end. When you get in the car ask your partner to put your seat belt on. While they attempt this raise you whole body 3 feet off the seat as stiff as an ironing board.
  • Install a toilet in your home that is waist height. Then consume 15 bottles of fruit shoot during the course of the morning. You will have to climb on to your toilet every 6 minutes through the afternoon. An incredible, full body, workout.
  • Have a fancy dress box. Run up stairs every 3 minutes to change into a new costume during the course of the morning.
  • Incorporate kid fit into your stalking routine. You may have a small telescope looking into your neighbour's bedroom window. Buy a trampoline instead and peer into their house every 2 or three seconds for hours on end during the summer months.
  • Hold your birthday party at a local soft play venue. To an adult this will be like two hours spent competing on an episode of Total Wipeout. It will burn approximately one million calories an hour. Plus you will be enjoying yourself so much it will be impossible to persuade you to come and eat the ludicrously expensive and calorie laden party food.

Hopefully this guide has given you a real insight into 'kid fit' and how to make it work for you. If you follow this program you can and will achieve incredible gains in fitness and lose a few pounds too. It is also possible that you will get arrested whilst running into the local post office brandishing a toy gun.

Next week: Get 'hamster fit' by buying a treadmill.

Good luck

Hapless Dad

1 comment:

  1. Oh my god that's awesomely funny. It takes a lot in a blog post to make me laugh out loud these days (#cynic) *Picks self up off floor*