Sunday, 20 October 2013

The secret to happiness

I was about to say it's the crack of dawn. But that would be a lie given that dawn hasn't arrived yet.

However, even at this ungodly hour, the entire Hapless household is up and about. Mrs Hapless has already gone to work. Female child is watching Peppa Pig. Male child is sat in his own filth making a noise like an aeroplane. A typical Monday morning.

I spend an awful lot of time moaning about how early I have to get up in the morning. In fact I'm now so used to getting up before 6 that, on the odd occasion when I sleep till after 7 I wake up in a blind panic feeling like I'm incredibly late for something.

This morning my daughter woke up early to try to see her mum before she went off to work. After Mrs Hapless left I explained to my daughter that, it was still incredibly early, so if she wanted she could go back to bed and get some more sleep. She!

As she answered something occurred to me that I've never really considered before. I always thought that young kids just didn't need as much sleep as adults, and that's true. However there is a far more compelling reason that your children get up early.

It's more fun to be up than in bed!!

I know. Read that sentence again really carefully. For small children, it is better to be up and about than in bed sleeping. That's why as soon as they stir awake they bounce from their bedrooms like the Tasmanian Devil on speed. For an adult that is a mind blowing concept to try to get your head around.

When I wake up I feel like a bag of spanners! However much sleep I've had and whatever the quality I always wake up feeling like I've only had 10 minutes sleep after a long night shift working in an abattoir.

The fact is, the life of a small child is an absolute hoot!! They get up early because their day is a great laugh from start to finish. For small children it is genuinely better to be up than it is to be in bed.

At this point I could get all Dalai Lama on your ass!! I could talk in terms of living in the now and seeing the enjoyment in everything you do! This is true of course. Young children live exclusively in the now. They also find the enjoyment in every single activity they do.

However I want to take things a stage further. I'm going to make an assertion which will explain how children are always happy and why, for most adults, life is going to be a massive pain in the arse!!

The secret to happiness is being as thick as shit!

That's right dear reader. The secret to having a happy and blissful existence is to be as thick as a whale omelette.

Now let me be clear at this point. Both my children are very intelligent.............. for kids. The fact is at their age they know absolutely fuck all about anything. Here are some examples.
  1. They don't know what day it is.
  2. They can't tell the time.
  3. They can't read or write, to any useful degree.
  4. They can't use a telephone, unless it's to phone the Fire Brigade by accident.
  5. They don't understand money.
  6. They believe in Father Christmas.
So, whilst they are very intelligent children, using a scale common to all they are in fact thick as you like!!

This means that in reality, young kids haven't got a bloody clue what's going on. If Wales was occupied by an aggressive foreign dictatorship tomorrow adults with half a brain would be scared witless. Small children and thick people would be starring out of the window excitedly looking at all the shiny tanks!

So being thick is a great aid to happiness. When you haven't got the faintest idea how shit things are it's much easier to have a smile on your face.

I'm going to take this a stage further. Not only are young kids thick, but they also have absolutely everything done for them. How much better would your life be if you had a team of domestic servants geared up to service your every whim at any time of the day or night.

This dear reader is the life of a small child. At home, at school, at friends houses, at their grandparents, everyone spends their entire time providing small children with exactly what they want whenever they want it. Imagine for a moment what this would be like as an adult. Imagine a world where waking up meant that someone would provide you with a day of activities designed to be fun for you, provide you with your clothes, help you get dressed, feed you, sing songs to you, read you a story, run you a lovely bath and buy you a hamster if you ask often enough.

No wonder kids are so bloody happy all the time.

So in summary, the secret to happiness is having the IQ of a sock and a team of willing servants on call 24hrs a day.

I guess that must be what it's like for the Royal Family.

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