10 great ideas for a thrifty summer

I'm one week in to the summer holidays and I have finally discovered an exciting and innovative way to get some peace and quiet. I've bought a trampoline. I'm sure many of you have such contraptions in your garden. You know the sort of thing. A large bouncy area with a flimsy net around it to make it slightly less of a death trap.

Of course all my neighbours have one too. This means that whilst I can avoid their horrible children normally I now have to watch them appearing above my fence every couple of seconds in varying states of undress.

It won't matter once your friends come round for a barbeque. Once you are all plastered someone is bound to have a go paying scant regard to the 10 stone weight limit. This will render the afore mentioned trampoline inoperable for the summer. It will also continue the 'broken equipment' design theme in your garden along with the tadpole infested paddling pool and the swing ball set with no ball, or bats.

The thing is trampolines are expensive and budgets are tight for us all these days. So if you are struggling financially and can't afford to have another trampoline wrecked by 'fat Dave' you'll need some top quality advice. As if my magic here are my 10 top tips for a thrifty summer.

1. Instead of taking picnics to the park encourage your children to make friends. Once they have found some little chums, sneak off. The other family will feel duty bound to feed them, especially when they start to faint off.
2. Collect some scrap metal and blag your way onto a traveller site near your home. This will give your kids a fantastically cheap caravan holiday and allow you to make some extra money bare knuckle boxing.
3. Avoid the expense of buying lollies for hot days by letting your children lick the inside of the freezer.
4. Camping is an excellent way to have a cheap break. Replicate it at home by going to the toilet in a bucket and letting all your neighbours see you in your pyjamas.
5. Join a cult. Entry is always free and they tend to have organised activities. Leave the day before the mass suicide unless you really can't cope with the holidays.
6. Joining the Scouts or the Cubs is a great way to entertain your kids over the summer but it is expensive in both time and money. Give your kids the same experience at little or no cost by sending them into the woods with a recently released paedophile to set fire to things.
7. Summer clothing can be expensive. Use waterproof body paint as a cheap and fun alternative to swimming costumes.
8. Spend time with 'Stepford mums'. Whilst we all know they are surviving on anti depressants and affairs with the gardener their monstrous ego will still force them to spend time baking and building dens with your kids to show how good they are. You can read their copy of the Daily Mail while they get busy thus saving even more cash.
9. Swimming is a great summer activity for kids. Enjoy it for free by allowing your children to swim in reservoirs, disused quarries and canals. If you feel this is a little dangerous, your local sewer system provides an excellent alternative.
10. A summer play scheme is a great way to keep your kids occupied. You can recreate this for next to nothing at home. Recruit a group of disinterested teenagers and some teachers with large gambling debts to shout at your children in your back garden.

Hopefully my advice has been useful. The summer is an expensive time for us all but it doesn't need to be. Follow my advice and you'll give your kids a holiday to remember without breaking the bank.

Happy Holidays

Squadron Leader Hapless Dad VC, DFC, OBE, PAYE