oh, hang on. I think I dropped off then *removes dribble from chin*. What was I doing? Oh yes, writing a blog post. Lets start again!
Aaaarrrghh the summer fucking bollocking arseing holidays. A nightmare of nearly 7 weeks of pissing rain and domestic slavery. A daily challenge to find activities which require as little work as possible on your part whilst waiting for teaching staff to come back from French campsites and give you some free childcare again.
Here at HD we feel your pain and we understand your plight. So, as if by magic, here are our top tips for surviving the summer break.
- Under no circumstances go on holiday. Holidays with kids are shit. They don't respect your sangria induced hangover and you spend the entire week eating in empty restaurants ludicrously early while your partner walks round and round the car park with a push chair. If you think it will be easier with older children think again. Your 12 year old daughter will spend the week fawning over foreign waiters and being ogled by local criminals and your 10 year old son will become extremely friendly with 'the swearing family'.
- Use the £3,000 you would have spent on your week in Majorca to hire a Porsche. This may seem like a waste of money. However for one whole week you can drive up and down the motorway in a supercar while your kids sleep peacefully in the back.
- Watch Ground Hog Day. This will prepare you for doing exactly the same every day and hopefully help you to see the funny side of the fourth trip to the park that day.
- Start drinking in the morning. Firstly this will help you to feel like you are on holiday. Secondly you will inevitably pass out on the sofa in the afternoon sleeping blissfully through the mayhem until your partner returns from work.
- Buy your kids an Xbox. They will start playing in July and emerge from their urine soaked pit 6 weeks later having lost the use of their legs and developed massive thumbs. Tell the school it's a medical disorder so they don't think you are a bad parent.
- You will be asked to join friends for a day out with their kids. Don't do it!! Trying to relieve the stress of your kids by spending time with more kids is the equivalent of trying to recover from an alcohol addiction by drinking four times as much as usual.
- Plan several visits a week to relatives houses. Ask them to watch the kids for 10 minutes and then fuck off for three hours. Blame a traffic jam outside Sainsburys. "There must be a sale on or something??"
- When you partner comes home from work, let her catch you sat in front of a webcam wearing her underwear. This will result in a trial separation. If you time it right you will get 6 blissful weeks in a B and B and be back in the house by September. Warning: This should only be attempted by experts who are 100% sure their partner has no secret perversions. If you get this wrong it may result in you spending the summer at home and having to make love in a Marks and Spencer's bra and thong set for the next 20 years.
- Get involved in a charity event for a worthy cause. Specifically something that will take approximately 6 weeks like climbing Kilimanjaro or crossing the Sahara on a unicycle. No partner in their right mind can refuse this one because of the charity element. This is key. If you suggest going to Australia to watch the Lions it will not have the same result.
- Enrol your kids in summer school. On the face of it this may seem expensive. However I can guarantee that 6 weeks of intensive maths coaching will cost less than one trip to the sea life centre in Weymouth. It will also give the impression that you are giving your kids the best possible education. Don't worry if your kids are thicker than a whale omelette and think geometry is a star sign. The summer school will keep that to themselves just in case you stop paying them.
Have a fantastic summer and good luck.