Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Asbo Darren and the Dinosaur Crack Dealers

Asbo Darren was in school colouring a picture of a Dinosaur. Darren loves Dinosaurs. He was just finishing his picture when he realised he had run out of colours.

"Give me your fookin colours man", said Darren to his friend Clint. "I've got a fookin blade".

"Miss, Miss", said Clint. "Darren said he's going to cut me!."

"Oh Darren", said Miss Apathy his teacher. "There are plenty of colours in the store cupboard. Go and have a look".

Darren got up from his chair and whispered in Clint's ear "you're dead at playtime" and he walked across the classroom to the store cupboard.

As Darren opened the store cupboard door he could hear a sniffling, crying sound coming from the back. He moved closer, wondering where the noise was coming from. Right in the deepest darkest corner he found Leon who had been locked in there some weeks before. Miss Apathy had assumed he had moved schools but hadn't bothered to check. Leon was the school drug dealer. Darren loves drugs.

"What you cryin about bitch?", asked Darren.

"My stash has been robbed", said Leon, sobbing with all his might. "Will you help me to find it?"

Darren thought for a moment. "Yeah man, for a cut!", he laughed. "But who's stolen it?"

"Fuck knows", said Leon. "One minute I was making some real cash money. Next thing I heard a massive scary roar and the overpowering sound of speed garage. That was the last thing I remember. I woke up with little or no taste in music and my stash was gone."

Just then a secret door opened at the back of the cupboard and Darren and Leon were transported to the bottom of a rubbish shoot in an old school housing project.

"Chill blood, we'll find who stole your stash and when we do I'm going to bust a cap in his ass". said Darren.

The two boys twisted their baseball caps to a jaunty angle, pulled their trackies down so that they were only just held up by regular clenching and strutted out into the open. As they turned a corner, in between the garages and the off licence they heard a massive roar. The unmistakable sound of speed garage got louder and louder and louder.

There they were. Crack dealers. But not just any crack dealers. They were crack dealing Dinosaurs. Have I mentioned Darren loves dinosaurs? There was a crack dealing Diplodocus, a crack dealing Triceratops and sat, in the front of his three series was a massive crack dealing T Rex.

"Lets fuck them bitches up!" said Darren. "It's drive by time".

Leon punched a passing 8 year old and stole his BMX. Darren removed his piece from the sagging waistband of his trackies. The two boys got on the bike, excited at the thought of their adventure.

As they cycled slowly towards the sound of speed garage anthems 2013, the crack dealing Dinosaurs spotted them and let out the scariest roar.

"Attack", screamed Darren. Leon pedalled as fast as he could.

Darren turned his glock to a rap video inspired angle and fired indiscriminately. As rounds bounced off the body of the three series the Dinosaurs fired back.

Their aim was good but Darren's was better. As they got closer and closer the Diplodocus and the Triceratops ate lead big time. But the T Rex was still firing. Just then his oozy jammed and Darren and Leon took their chance. They pounced upon the T Rex and using all their strength, tied him to the steering wheel.

"You is bang in trouble now hoe!" said Darren. "No one take's Leon's stash and gets away with it."

"Please don't ice me!", sobbed the T Rex. It isn't my fault. I'm a product of my environment.

"Too late", said Darren and he emptied his glock into the body of the T Rex. "Leon, grab the stash you prick!".

Just as Darren and Leon cycled away with the sound of five o sirens in the distance there was a loud bang and a massive flash of light. As they slowly regained their sight, they found themselves back in Miss Apathy's store cupboard where the whole, amazing adventure had started.

"Where on earth have you boys been", said Miss Apathy looking up from her copy of Heat magazine. "Leon??, I thought you'd left to live in Skegness?".

"Nothing Miss", Said Darren. "Just finding some coloured pencils".

The boys giggled as they sat back down and began to chat about their next adventure, doing that bitch Clint at playtime!

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