Tuesday, 9 July 2013

HD's guide to male grooming

Recent figures suggest that, on average, men spend approximately £284 per year on grooming products. At HD we move with the times. So here is our definitive guide to male grooming, for men. Follow this guide and you'll be looking good well into your 20s. Beyond that, I cant help you.

Note of caution: Before embarking on this guide add up the cost of your partner's beauty regime. If it is somewhere near four figures and she still looks like a bag of spanners then think twice!!

This kind of product is designed to keep your skin smooth and younger looking. It should be applied morning and night and after events that may dry your skin out. These events could include showers, exercise, sunshine or a 48hour drinking bender. Either way if you are not careful your skin will begin to resemble a nomad's flip flop. If you wish to venture into the world of moisturiser you may be tempted to steal some of your partners. DON'T!! She may be keeping this information from you but I can guarantee your partner's moisturiser was more expensive than unicorn tusks. There are plenty of cheaper alternatives on the market. Our recommended product is Lurpack (unsalted). It is about £250 cheaper than an upmarket moisturiser, lasts longer and is multi functional.

Hair care
Real men are bald. Fact! Bruce Willis, Samuel L Jackson, Jason Statham, Sinead O'Connor, the list is endless. Compare this with men with full and luscious locks such as Boris Johnson, Liberace and Elton John. If you are going bald, embrace it. Don't stop at a grade 1 or 2, grab a razor and shave it to the bone. This has a number of advantages. Firstly it will improve your swimming times by reducing drag. Secondly the shine from your head can be used to attract rescue helicopters in the event of a plane crash in the desert. Thirdly you WILL become more popular as your mates will be desperate to slap your head in a comedy manner trying to replicate a sketch from Benny Hill. There are some disadvantages. Two days after you've shaved, the stubble on your head will make it almost impossible to put on a t-shirt as it will get stuck like you are wearing a Velcro suit. You will also have to baste your dome in ambre solaire even in the depths of winter. If you have hair you have my sympathies - however the simple rule is, just copy exactly what David Beckham is doing and you won't go far wrong.

Facial Scrub
When I searched for this on google I was presented with a range of rather 'specialist' web sites. Never the less it is nothing to do with s and m. It is in fact a product designed to cleanse your skin and make it as smooth as a babies bottom. Taking that to it's logical conclusion it would appear that the secret to clean smooth skin is to wear a nappy on your head at night. However this may be impractical. A facial scrub is basically soap with grit in it. A premium product can cost upwards for foomphty gazillion pounds. Save money by using fairy liquid and mixing in some of the little stones from the bottom of your fish tank.

Facial hair
If you can't be bothered to shave, now is your time. Even handsome men don't shave these days. However there are some rules. A small amount of stubble makes you look rugged and manly. A full, bushy beard makes you look like a cross between Brian Blessed and a serial killer. If you are an actor/mountaineer or you prey on prostitutes along the M4 corridor then let your beard flow and prosper. If not keep it to a few days growth with a good quality stubble trimmer. There is a cheaper alternative which has an additional benefit. Just wet shave as normal but don't leave the house until two days afterwards. This will mean you can only venture out 3 days a week which may have work implications, but the drop in salary can be offset by the considerable cost saving of not using a trimmer.

Body hair
Any man will know that the real irony of getting older is that, as the hair on your head gets less and less so the hair everywhere else on your body flourishes like Monty Don's rose bushes. There are some rules for keeping this in check. Firstly nasal hair and ear hair must be trimmed. The reason for this is eventually the mini afro growing out of these critical body parts will begin to effect your hearing and sense of smell. All other body hair should remain as god intended. At some point, possibly during your midlife crisis, you will be tempted to trim or indeed shave the hair around your genitals. Do not fall into this trap. Male genitalia is incredibly ugly whatever you do to it. So you have a choice. Either leave it and risk your genitals looking like a very old David Hasselhoff or shave and risk your genitals looking like the last chicken in Sainsburys. Your choice.

Ear rings: Unless you are a pirate or a teacher in an inner city comprehensive ear rings are not required.

Watch: Real men have a watch, despite the ever present mobile phone with the time on it. Pick something classic for everyday and something sporty for the weekend. I have nine watches, which hints at latent homosexuality, so don't over do it.

Tattoos: Everyone below the age of 25 has a tattoo. Beyond that, only have a tattoo if you are a sailor, a Glaswegian builder or you are having a mid life crisis. If you go down this route, choose carefully. You don't want to be sat in a nursing home explaining to your grandkids who Homer Simpson was and why you have a picture of him on your arse.

Rings: Wedding band, yes. Anything from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, no. More than two rings is definitely over kill. Reduce this limit to one of you have had any fingers removed. Also, under no circumstances, should a ring appear on your middle finger. Pay the extra pound and have it sized properly.

So there you have it. HDs guide to male grooming.

If you take care of your body and your appearance your body will take care of you. Obviously that is completely impossible but you know what I mean.

Hapless Dad

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