Sunday, 23 June 2013


This week the independent ran a story to warm the hearts of dad bloggers everywhere. It appears that the revolution has started. There has been a 150% increase in the number of dad bloggers in the last year. Approximately 250 of us are now using writing as an excuse to get away from the kids. A trickmums have known for some time - clever bastards!
There are many reasons why we blog. Some dads use it as therapy, some are trying to make it as writers, some, like me, use it to pretend we have a job and as a feeble attempt to get over a crippling addiction to alcohol and internet pornography. Whatever the reason we salute your efforts.
There are two distinct types of dad bloggers. For further information and to help identify yourself and your competition read my post 'The definitive guide to parent bloggers'

The second piece of news this week is the fantastic success of BritMumsLive 2013. Twitter and the blogging community has been alive with excitement. I say alive: I mean as alive as any of us can be after 3 hours sleep and a day spent with the toddler version of the Taliban. Hundreds of sexually starved blogging mums, and one blogging dad (lucky sod) spent several days enjoying each other's company and furthering the cause of bloggers. All this was achieved through a comprehensive list of guest speakers, expert opinion, networking and gin based cocktails.

Now is the time to capitalise on this success. Now is the time to create an event specifically for dad bloggers everywhere. So I take this opportunity to announce:

BritDadsLive 2014
Date: I'll let you know the day before. Dad's don't need time to plan as child care is already sorted.
Venue: Back room of 'spanks' lapdancing bar and snooker hall, Darlington.
Program for the day
Arrival and refreshments
As it’s morning, tea, coffee and cider will be available. Lager is an afternoon drink.
Chairman’s address
Opportunity to remember we haven’t elected a chairman yet.
Election of chairman
Small, uncontested group of control freaks with too much time on their hands put themselves forward. Lets be honest, we know it will be one of the posh dads.
Chairman’s address
A motivational, highly informative and hastily planned address from our new chairman.
Group text
All members text partner to say they miss them, ask how the kids are, pretend they didn’t want to come and that they are looking forward to coming home.
Confiscation of mobile phones
Self explanatory
Guest speaker:
Hairy Dave
Dad and self employed builder talks about his love of power tools, the Daily Sport crossword and 19th century impressionist art.
Girls from ‘spanks’ hand out tequila shots and Marlborough lights.
Guest speaker:
Chief Petty Officer ‘Salty’ McTavish RN
Royal Navy veteran and submariner extols the benefits of spending 6 months of the year away from the kids in a metal tube resting on the seabed off the coast of Gibraltar. He will also touch upon the latest trends in body art and the concept that ‘it’s not gay if it happens in a submarine’.
There is a Greggs round the corner. If you require vegetarian, you are at the wrong conference. BritMums was last week.
Unexpected delay to afternoon proceedings
This will give all delegates a chance to finish their fourth pint.
Toilet break
Chance for 14th piss for those delegates stupid enough to ‘break the seal’ before the afternoon session.
A Bridge Too Far
Showing of Second World War Classic to allow delegates to have a snooze.
Delegates can choose between the following:
1.       Bloogin for the iliterart
2.       Legal implications of perving on mums at playgroups
3.       Arm wrestling for the international traveller
4.       Cross dressing: the future of parenthood
Headline Speaker:
Sebastian Fanshaw
Successful blogger, freelance writer, architect, father of 10 and zen practitioner, talks about the joy of fatherhood and how dads should ‘man up’ and be the best father they can be. He will also be showing a slide show of his recent family skiing trip.
WARNING: All glass items will be removed from delegates at this point and replaced with plastic. Mr Fanshaw will be speaking from behind a protective mesh. Abusive behaviour will not be tolerated, much.
All broken items to be removed in preparation for next speaker.
Chairman’s closing address  
Our newly elected chairman will sum up the highlights of the day and offer thanks to our guests for their outstanding input. This will be followed swiftly by a vote of no confidence in the chairman and a resolution to replace him before next year’s conference.
Social and networking event
Proactive dads will take this opportunity to return home to help their wife make cakes with the kids. The rest of us will retire to ‘spanks’ to discuss the issues of the day. Our guests at this point will be a number of very attractive, ludicrously young and scantily clad, single mums showing various methods of earning extra money to support the family.
Rest our weary heads after a long, informative and exciting day. Already looking forward to next year.

 I hope the program for the event meets your discerning requirements. If you have any suggestions about content or some points you wish to raise before the event you can email me at:

I look forward to seeing you all on the day. Lets start the Dad's revolution!!!

Best wishes,

Hapless Dad

1 comment:

  1. Is this exclusively men only? I'm very familiar with 'Spanks' lapdancing bar and snooker hall in Darlington, it's an old 'haunt' of mine. Not really. I was a regular at a place called 'ICandy'. I can get 'Hairy Dave' at a reduced rate too; let's just say he owes me a favour ;) Great post :)

    'Distressed Housewife' - aka Charlotte Brown.