Sunday, 2 June 2013

lies, damned lies and siblings

I am back, relatively unscathed after a week away. I should, of course, have heeded my own advice and stayed at home. However, when you are stuck in traffic for four hours trying to reach Legoland Windsor, only to be told the park is closed you do have some quality thinking time. In fact anything that magically transports you from the hot sweaty rubbish tip that is your car and your daughter's two hour meltdown of 'exorcist' proportions.

So where was my special place? Where did my mind take me to mentally avoid this carnage? Well, I started to ponder all the lies you are told about parenting, and I have concluded that there is one lie which trumps them all.

Ok let's begin with the early years. Here in no particular order are some of the blatant whoppers you are subjected to when the kids are young:
  1. They'll sleep when they are on solids
  2. They'll sleep when they start nursery
  3. They'll sleep when they start school
  4. They'll sleep when you get blackout blinds
  5. They'll sleep if you wear them out
  6. They'll sleep if you put them to bed a bit later
  7. I'll get easier
All fairly sleep related I grant you. But hideous lies never the less. The only way my kids would sleep past 6am is if we started to live our life on New York time. Fact! My daughter did sleep till 7 o'clock once after a period of illness. However you can't pray for stomach flu all your life, particularly if your kids are sickeningly healthy. It only leads to disappointment.

Number 7 is lie of biblical proportions. Parents with older kids always tell you it gets easier. They then follow up this statement by telling you they have a constant battle with their 13 year old daughter who tries to leave the house half dressed and that their son plays dungeons and dragons. Shameless lies!

But what is number one pop pickers? Which lie is the biggest, most whopperish, blatant lie that people tell each other to secure the future of the human race?


Now don't get me wrong I love both my kids.......................individually. Together they are a massive pain in my flabby, middle aged backside. The short moments of bliss when they get on are few and far between. They are completely overshadowed by the endless hours of fighting, arguing, teasing, shouting and crying when they are together.

When questioned about this, parents always argue that they are company for each other. I have two problems with this. The first is that I was an only child and never, ever, ever lacked company. Secondly if they are such good company for each other why does my daughter feel the need to talk to me while I am having a pooh?

I have begun to question friends a little deeper on this issue since my traffic jam revelation. Give me some examples of why it is good to have a sibling I ask. Much umming and ahhing then ensues as men and women of all ages struggle to come up with an adequate response. The answer they produced was almost universally the same. Namely, that at some point during their 60 year relationship they were quite good mates.

Lets put this into context. Lets imagine there is someone in your life who is not related to you. For the first 10 years of knowing each other you were an utter annoyance to one another, based purely on insane jealousy and a competitive need for attention from a specific individual. During your teenage years you mostly ignored each, communicating only through grunts and occasional fist fights. For the last 30 years you haven't really talked much, particularly since having families of your own. You had a big falling out when your parents died over custody of the dyson and your spouses have never really got on. However between the ages of 21 and 26 you were quite pally.

Forgive me but this doesn't exactly sound like a relationship you couldn't live without.

So why do people have more than one child? In my opinion there are two reasons.

Firstly it is considered the norm and most people want to be normal. Secondly, and I think most importantly, it is an opportunity for men to have some nookie with their wives for a second time. We all know that having a child curbs your sex life so when given a reason to get back on the horse most men jump at the chance. I know I did.

Nature has many powerful weapons to keep the human race going. The pain of child birth shrinks into insignificance when presented with that perfect baby, and then it is quickly forgotten. Man's desire for sexual intercourse continues to be running at full power even though there is none on offer. This ensures that they are primed and ready if the opportunity to re populate becomes available. Most powerful however is nature's ability to make humans persuade each other to have more than one sprog even though it is blatantly a crazy idea.

Anyway, got to go. My wife has just seen a new born baby and has started to have that saucy look in her eye. Baby number three here we come!

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