Sunday, 16 June 2013

Definitive guide to parent bloggers.

There are a lot of parent bloggers out there. Many are doing it for fun. Many are trying to make it as writers and want to get their stuff 'out there'. Many are using blogging as a desperate attempt to recover from the inevitable bipolar disorder caused by having kids. Many, like me, use blogging as an excuse to pretend I'm doing something productive rather than admitting I am a work shy sofa monkey. But which ones should you read? When you enter the blogging/twitter world you assume you are joining a community that thinks as one, based purely on your interpretation of what parenting looks, feels and smells like. You could not be more wrong.

So here at HD we have decided to produce the definitive guide to parent bloggers. There are only four variations of the species. Read the guide, learn to recognise the signs. Choose carefully

Type 1: The Stepford mum:

Appearance: Practically perfect in every way. Gets up at 4am to achieve this flawless look.
Profession: Gave up highly paid career in PR to be a stay at home mum.
Number of children: However many is on trend. 3 seems to be the number de jour.
Diet: Doesn't eat, in order to keep svelt figure and prevent husband running off with the top heavy Swedish au pair.
Alcohol consumption: 400 units per day to retain fixed smile. Selects drink appropriate to function but drinks gin continuously when no one is looking.
Habitat: Home counties, cafes that sell posh coffee, PTA meetings
Birth experience: Natural and wonderful
Typical blog post: How to make muffins with your wonderful kids
Typical twitter post: Pic of me and Olivia with our lovely muffins.

Type 2: Trailer park mum

Appearance: Rough, but also surprisingly hot.
Profession: Tabloid journalist or sales manager turned stay at home mum due to breakdown after returning to work. Don't think this woman is working class. Working class people don't blog.
Number of children: One or two but certainly no more than absolutely necessary
Diet: Pizza, curry, Chinese and whatever is left on the kids plates
Alcohol: End of the isle Chatuex Thames embankment. First drink secured when kids get home from school
Habitat: Soft play, psychiatrists office
Birth experience: Aaaaaaarrggghhh! Give me fucking drugs you fucking bitch! You are never shagging me again you selfish wanker!
Typical blog post: Motherhood gave me a fat arse
Typical twitter post: My fucking daughter has just fucking crapped on the fucking carpet

Type 3: Proactive dad

Appearance: Handsome in a friendly and approachable kind of way. Attends the gym regularly.
Profession: Architect, interior designer, freelance writer, stay at home dad.
Number of children: As many as his sperm count can cope with.
Diet: Eats extremely healthily in order to have energy to enjoy the kids. Presently in to Moroccan
Alcohol: Shares bottle of expensive red with partner when kids are staying somewhere else. Wouldn't feel right about drinking when the kids are at home.
Habitat: Playgroups, expensive gyms, Milan on business.
Birth experience: The most incredible experience of his life. Fulfilled his role of birth partner with perfection.
Typical blog post: Why your kids deserve the best dad you can be.
Typical twitter post: Today I'm teaching Sebastian how to ski. I love him so much.

Type 4: Reluctant Dad

Appearance: Boyish good looks have faded due to pent up anger, smoking too much and getting no sleep. Muffin top.
Profession: Teacher turned oil rig worker after having kids ruined his long holidays.
Number of children: Depends on category of wife. Persuaded to breed in order to have some extra sexy time and thought that in 17 years time he can get lifts to the pub.
Diet: Steak and chips, eaten in shed as wife is on diet.
Alcohol: Has significant problem but thinks all is well as he doesn't touch spirits.
Habitat: Rugby club, football club, local pub, mostly after work to delay home time as much as possible. Kids parties when all female relatives, friends or casual acquaintances are unavailable.
Birth experience: Arrived late. Spent a lot of time saying "Jesus Christ what the fuck is that? Nurse is this normal?"
Typical blog post: 10 ways to secure a job abroad.
Typical twitter post: I think my son might be retarded.

So there you have it. HD's definitive guide to parent bloggers. Make sure you spend time identifying the different variations of the species to make sure you find your spiritual home. Making the right choice can offer comfort, support and a feeling of community. Making the wrong choice can make that massive vein on your forehead bulge like you are a short taxi drive away from a heart attack.

You have been warned!!

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