Friday, 7 June 2013

Laura Kemp

They say to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Today Hapless Dad welcomes the enemy right into the flabby middle aged bosom of manhood. In the first of our guest blogger series HD Welcomes Laura Kemp.

Anti-yummy mummy, journalist and author, Laura's first book 'Mums like us' is available from all good bookshops, and a couple of shit ones. Her new book 'Mums on strike' will be available from 2014. She writes extensively on parenting issues and can often be found filling, previously un-fillable bits of the Daily Mail, Parentdish, Grazia and many, many more. She writes a weekly column on Walesonline. You can follow Laura on twitter @Laurajanekemp or visit her website Failing that, hang around your local off-licence. You'll bump into her eventually.

Anyway enough of that malarkey! Lets get on with who's the crapest parent! A series of randomly generated questions designed to assess the ineptitude of guest parents V Hapless Dad. You decide who wins!

Have you ever sworn in front of your son/kids?
LK:  Only when he's getting on my tits.
HD: I don’t use the C word. I don’t consider anything else as swearing.

What's the worst thing you've done as a parent?

LK: Either the other week when he woke up at 6am and I dozed off until 9am, when I found him slumped in front of the telly, complaining "my tummy's a bit rumbly". Or the time I turned up CBeebies to drown out the sound of me vomiting thanks to a hangover. 

HD: Having a second child in full and total awareness of what an arsehole of a father I already was.

Do you let your son/kids sleep in his/their clothes?

LK: I wish I could get away with this but he's too much of a livewire at bedtime to pass out in his day clothes. Bedtime is such a palaver, I agree to him taking something - anything - with him. That includes the iPad, his Trunkie and felt tips. I couldn't care less when he writes on the walls - I'm that desperate to have some peace. 

HD: Whenever Mrs Hapless is out. When she once stayed away for the night I let my son go to school in the uniform he had slept in.

How long did the, giving my son/kids healthy food, phase last?

LK: This is the one thing I'm obsessed with. My friends call me The Broccoli Nazi. But as long as he's had his fruit and veg he can eat as many sweets as he can stuff in his gob.

HD: Child number one had better food than I did. Child number two was given liquidized McDonalds

What made you have kids in the first place?

LK: Stupidity.

HD: The promise of daily sexy time safe in the knowledge that “it might take years to get pregnant”

How much TV do your kids watch?

LK: Put it this way, he is on intimate terms with Barry Scott of Cillit Bang fame. 

HD: TV runs from 5am. My son even knows the theme tune to TJ Hooker off of the 80s. Annoyingly my daughter is not interested preferring to ‘interact’ with us.

Have you ever used phrases your mum or dad used?

LK: When asked where something is, I use my mum's favourite of phrases "it's under my left armpit".

HD: “ I’ll give you something to cry about now lovely boy!”

What lies have you told your kids?

LK: I prefer to tell the brutal truth.

HD: That when you hear the tune of the ice cream van, it means they are out of stock.

What time do you start on the vino?

LK: When it's five o'clock somewhere.

HD: What she said!

What's the hardest thing about being a parent?

LK: The fact there's no lunch hour or holidays

HD: The fact that holidays are now always shit.
So there you have it. You make your choice. Who is the crapest parent? You can post your verdict here on the blog or tweet me @haplessdadblog.
Our weekly guest celebrity feature is set to run and run. Next week's guest will be Dot Davies, the thinking man's Gabby Logan, TV presenter, face of Sport Wales, and mum of two. It might get tricky after that as I'll have run out of famous people I know but I'm ever hopeful.

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